Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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