You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
