Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
