I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
