i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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