is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
