Michael Bay diarrhea
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We're too hungover to prance.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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