Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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