recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
