im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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