She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
