Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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