I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I can't turn off my feet"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
