apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
