i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
