You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
