I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'