she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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