She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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