I like my sex mixed with concussions.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
