I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is Oprah even human
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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