Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
