if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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