I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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