Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
