Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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