I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
