dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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