This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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