That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I want to walk on stilts...naked
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
