if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
just found out that she named her cat after me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize