my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
