The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
