I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
