Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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