matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
