Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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