god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
