On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
