woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
