I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just gargled with NyQuil
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
