so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
