He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
