I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
