You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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