I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
