I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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