The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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