he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
