Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
