Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So squirting runs in the family.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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