the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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