I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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