If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
false alarm. still invincible.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
