can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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