why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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