Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
BRING THE BAGELS
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
