you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
