saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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