I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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