I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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