dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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