So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
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I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?