The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today